P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
