What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
