Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
