Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
