i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
