It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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