i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize