Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
