I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
