saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
