This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
