does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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