the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
