she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Someone signed my nipple.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
