I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
