The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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