i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My ATM looks so different sober.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
