wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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