Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Enjoy the penises
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
