I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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