My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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