God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
