You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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