He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
