then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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