I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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