I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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