whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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