Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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