haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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