found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
