she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
