i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
