Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
