So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
