my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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