who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
