Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
