Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
