I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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