Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
