Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
