thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
