Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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