I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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