just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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