My sheets look like a crime scene.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
