omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
