I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
