is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
