Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
