guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i out mim tonsoeep
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