i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Do you have feelings for this penis?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
