They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
