Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
