I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
