Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
