OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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