Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm gonna fight the coyote
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
