just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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