I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
